Sigh, i’m not gonna smoke weed anymore.
I tried it for the first time a month ago, i can’t remember the exact day, but I tried it thinking it would be something fun to do–that it would improve my mood. I also wanted to hang out with my cousin joseph (who supplied the weed), so it seemed like an all around good idea at the time. but it’s only made me more depressed and anxious.
Two days ago on Christmas eve i smoked weed for the last time. weed is stupid and almost pointless since you cant even overdose on it
Anyway, it was Christmas eve and my uncle and aunt had come over with Joseph and his sisters. My brother mike, who recently moved out on his own also came over with his girlfriend. I was just trying to be around all of them and be in a happy mood. even though Christmas doesn’t excite me like it used to when I was younger, being around familiar people in a jovial mood has helped assuage my feelings of sadness and loneliness in the past (it didnt work so good this time). joseph mike, and I were in my room playing SMBB, when joseph said that he was gonna go outside to get high. I was unsure if i wanted to get high after how bad my last 3 trips had been. but I decided to follow him outside, out of desperation i guess, because i wanted weed to cure me.I wanted this time to be the time I got a good high and made some sort of existential breakthrough, some realization that would make life bearable and make me happy once again.
but what i got was the exact opposite. we sat on a bench in the patio and smoked two joints. nothing Joseph said was making any sense. my head felt tight and dizzy. my body seemed to move at times fast and slow and the world looked 3D. after some time of sitting slouched on the bench, I began to feel paranoid. whatever joseph was saying took on a menacing and mocking tone. i began to think that he could be a monster or demon only using joseph’s body to conceal himself, a shapeshifter of sorts, and do me harm.
well, i’ve had enough and realized that i would soon get into the depressive stage of high(ness) that hits me when i smoke too much. Joseph and I walked inside and went into my room. I sat on the floor against my bed and drank some water. I asked joseph if i was dying and he said no one has ever died from smoking weed. then i began to think and I had 3 realizations. the first one i was already familiar with, but in my altered state it came without apologies or illusions to soften what it was. it was the truth and there was nothing to do but accept it:
- that we are all alone forever and ever and ever and that no matter what we do we have to live our lives with only ourselves. our parents can’t help us because as much as they seem to know they really don’t know any more than we do. they are fundamentally as helpless as we are. 2.
- that my life will be hard and full of pain and then I will die
- I began to feel the world separating itself from god, as if he had abandoned me in my room and closed off any connection that i had with him before. I had fallen into perdition and would surely go to hell when i died.
It was then that i felt completely alone and began to cry. “Why” I cried out over and over again, seeking an answer to my existance, a purpose. but I got none. Joseph left at this time, not wanting to deal my crying again. last time i got this way while high he had told me that it’s pointless to feel this way because we exist and the purpose is to live our lives and make the best of it. I guess I agree that feeling this way is pointless, but I also think everything else might also be pointless (not really, but kinda).
so i was alone in my room with the lights off, wondering why i exist, why i feel sad, chanting “why” and rocking back and forth. the only answer that weed gave me was that there is no meaning, no purpose, no escape (i believed this while i was high, but I dont believe it now. I cant)
I’ve had enough at this point, and not wanting to be a downer to anyone else who might come into my room (no one else did come into my room while i was awake that night 😦 ) I climbed on my bed, rested my heavy head on my pillow, pulled up the covers and sank into my bed, and my bed embraced me with comfort and warmth. and I fell into the most comfortable sleep I’ve had in a long time.