Don’t be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.

hunted

So much for never smoking weed again. so far i’ve smoked once every weekend for the last month. It may not seem like a lot but I have been thinking it would be fun to try other “substances” just to see how it feels. Joe says, i probably couldn’t handle anything stronger than weed seeing as how i reacted the first few times i tried it. but i think i’ve learned not to freak out when i’m high. I just gotta focus on the positive feelings and not let it accentuate the negative ones, however nagging they are (particularly the feeling of being alone and disconnected from everyone else).

It’s the one thing I look forward to all week. it makes music sound so good, and food feel incredible–two of my favorite things. It just makes me feel good in an otherwise dreary existence. And it’ really is quite dreary, because i can’t see the point in anything, especially things which require even minimal effort. Maybe i’m too lazy to live and maybe im too stupid to live, and if both of those are true, do i even deserve to live? About a year ago papa was angry at me for something i did (or dint do)-he thinks im not assertive enough and that i waste my time doing nothing, which is 100% right. Anway, he said “you gotta get angry. stop letting life push you around and push back.” I know what he means but i dont wanna get angry, although I do get angry at my own stupidity sometimes. Life, however, mostly makes me sad and nervous.

Yesterday I say a video on youtube about depression which resonated with me. I don’t know if im depressed per se, but anxiety certainly is a downer. about 6 months ago when i started sophomore year, I started feeling worried about little things that didn’t use to bother me before. Death, the meaning of life, being alone, were all thing that I didn’t have to think about, and then quite suddenly i became obsessed with these things. anxiety took over, i could barely get out of bed in the morning. I question every day if life is worth living what’s the meaning of it all and how im gonna get through it. and it’s been that way ever since the end of summer 2017. I wish things would go back to normal. I guess i’ts like when you have a cold and you think of how easily and freely you used to breath before you had the cold, but now your nose is stuffed up and you struggle to breathe. It’s kinda like that I guess. I miss the days when I could breathe freely.

It’s also not the first time I’ve felt this way, twice when i was younger i’ve felt pervasive sadness for an extended period of time. both times my mood eventually got better and I was able to live my life normally. but who’s to say i will get better this time around. i feel so trapped in my circumstances. in this body, in this mind. Why do i exist? what purpose is there? i dont know what im gona do. I feel sad, but I dont know why. :/

God, he asks, why are these things happening to me?

chrismashippo2

Sigh, i’m not gonna smoke weed anymore.

I tried it for the first time a month ago, i can’t remember the exact day, but I tried it thinking it would be something fun to do–that it would improve my mood. I also wanted to hang out with my cousin joseph (who supplied the weed), so it seemed like an all around good idea at the time. but it’s only made me more depressed and anxious.

Two days ago on Christmas eve i smoked weed for the last time. weed is stupid and almost pointless since you cant even overdose on it :/

Anyway, it was Christmas eve and my uncle and aunt had come over with Joseph and his sisters. My brother mike, who recently moved out on his own also came over with his girlfriend. I was just trying to be around all of them and be in a happy mood. even though Christmas doesn’t excite me like it used to when I was younger, being around familiar people in a jovial mood has helped assuage my feelings of sadness and loneliness in the past (it didnt work so good this time). joseph mike, and I were in my room playing SMBB, when joseph said that he was gonna go outside to get high. I was unsure if i wanted to get high after how bad my last 3 trips had been. but I decided to follow him outside, out of desperation i guess, because i wanted weed to cure me.I wanted this time to be the time I got a good high and made some sort of existential breakthrough, some realization that would make life bearable and make me happy once again.

but what i got was the exact opposite. we sat on a bench in the patio and smoked two joints. nothing Joseph said was making any sense. my head felt tight and dizzy. my body seemed to move at times fast and slow and the world looked 3D. after some time of sitting slouched on the bench, I began to feel paranoid. whatever joseph was saying took on a menacing and mocking tone. i began to think that he could be a monster or demon only using joseph’s body to conceal himself, a shapeshifter of sorts, and do me harm.

well, i’ve had enough and realized that i would soon get into the depressive stage of high(ness) that hits me when i smoke too much. Joseph and I walked inside and went into my room. I sat on the floor against my bed and drank some water. I asked joseph if i was dying and he said no one has ever died from smoking weed. then i began to think and I had 3 realizations. the first one i was already familiar with, but in my altered state it came without apologies or illusions to soften what it was. it was the truth and there was nothing to do but accept it:

  1. that we are all alone forever and ever and ever and that no matter what we do we have to live our lives with only ourselves. our parents can’t help us because as much as they seem to know they really don’t know any more than we do. they are fundamentally as helpless as we are. 2.
  2. that my life will be hard and full of pain and then I will die
  3. I began to feel the world separating itself from god, as if he had abandoned me in my room and closed off any connection that i had with him before. I had fallen into perdition and would surely go to hell when i died.

It was then that i felt completely alone and began to cry. “Why” I cried out over and over again, seeking an answer to my existance, a purpose. but I got none. Joseph left at this time, not wanting to deal my crying again. last time i got this way while high he had told me that it’s pointless to feel this way because we exist and the purpose is to live our lives and make the best of it. I guess I agree that feeling this way is pointless, but I also think everything else might also be pointless (not really, but kinda).

so i was alone in my room with the lights off, wondering why i exist, why i feel sad, chanting “why” and rocking back and forth. the only answer that weed gave me was that there is no meaning, no purpose, no escape (i believed this while i was high, but I dont believe it now. I cant)

I’ve had enough at this point, and not wanting to be a downer to anyone else who might come into my room (no one else did come into my room while i was awake that night 😦 ) I climbed on my bed, rested my heavy head on my pillow, pulled up the covers and sank into my bed, and my bed embraced me with comfort and warmth. and I fell into the most comfortable sleep I’ve had in a long time.

 

 

The problem isn’t the problem. The problem is the way you think about the problem.

hippo3

Yesterday was one of the worst days since I learned papa has cancer (a few weeks). Everything seemed to go wrong and even the gloomy and overcast sky couldn’t hide my shame. lately its hard not to feel despondent about life, the future, the present. I don’t know which is worse. I walked home from school that day trying to contain my tears so no one would see me cry, but at the last lonely stretch that leads to my house there was an overflow of tears that i couldn’t hold back. by the time i reached my front door, I was in full ugly cry mode. pathetic.

today papa went to the hospital, and I didn’t have the will or courage to go to school. he found out of course because the school called him and he was upset about it but didn’t say anything until later that night. It’s selfish and weak, i know, but going out just outside my front door is so hard that sometimes i wish i could just stay in bed forever and never wake up from a pleasant dream.

anyway, he called me to the living room tonight and we talked. it started out with school and then a feeling of great sadness came over me and i began to cry uncontrollably. i blubbered out that i hope he gets better and that i love him. he said he would be ok and i believe him and i pray every day that he will be. and then we hugged, the first time we’ve hugged in years. the only two other times we’ve hugged were 8 years ago at the airport and then couple years ago on new years eve. he said he was proud of me and that i should work hard in school to get ahead in life, that i have great potential because i am intelligent. i wish that were true. but the truth is that im a defective person and my flaws are larger than i can make up with just average intelligence.

i shouldn’t have cried. now i just feel embarrassed that i did. but while we hugged and for a short time after, i felt a big relief and my chest felt empty and light as if it had been drained of a big burden.

time for bed.

First blog post

I’ve been wanting to start a blog for some time, and now that i finally got one I can’t think of what to say. That’s it i guess. I got school tomorrow and gotta go to bed. But I hope starting this blog  brings something positive to my life. 🙂 otherwise, it will just be $100 dollars wasted 😦hippo5