Yesterday was one of the worst days since I learned papa has cancer (a few weeks). Everything seemed to go wrong and even the gloomy and overcast sky couldn’t hide my shame. lately its hard not to feel despondent about life, the future, the present. I don’t know which is worse. I walked home from school that day trying to contain my tears so no one would see me cry, but at the last lonely stretch that leads to my house there was an overflow of tears that i couldn’t hold back. by the time i reached my front door, I was in full ugly cry mode. pathetic.
today papa went to the hospital, and I didn’t have the will or courage to go to school. he found out of course because the school called him and he was upset about it but didn’t say anything until later that night. It’s selfish and weak, i know, but going out just outside my front door is so hard that sometimes i wish i could just stay in bed forever and never wake up from a pleasant dream.
anyway, he called me to the living room tonight and we talked. it started out with school and then a feeling of great sadness came over me and i began to cry uncontrollably. i blubbered out that i hope he gets better and that i love him. he said he would be ok and i believe him and i pray every day that he will be. and then we hugged, the first time we’ve hugged in years. the only two other times we’ve hugged were 8 years ago at the airport and then couple years ago on new years eve. he said he was proud of me and that i should work hard in school to get ahead in life, that i have great potential because i am intelligent. i wish that were true. but the truth is that im a defective person and my flaws are larger than i can make up with just average intelligence.
i shouldn’t have cried. now i just feel embarrassed that i did. but while we hugged and for a short time after, i felt a big relief and my chest felt empty and light as if it had been drained of a big burden.
time for bed.