So much for never smoking weed again. so far i’ve smoked once every weekend for the last month. It may not seem like a lot but I have been thinking it would be fun to try other “substances” just to see how it feels. Joe says, i probably couldn’t handle anything stronger than weed seeing as how i reacted the first few times i tried it. but i think i’ve learned not to freak out when i’m high. I just gotta focus on the positive feelings and not let it accentuate the negative ones, however nagging they are (particularly the feeling of being alone and disconnected from everyone else).
It’s the one thing I look forward to all week. it makes music sound so good, and food feel incredible–two of my favorite things. It just makes me feel good in an otherwise dreary existence. And it’ really is quite dreary, because i can’t see the point in anything, especially things which require even minimal effort. Maybe i’m too lazy to live and maybe im too stupid to live, and if both of those are true, do i even deserve to live? About a year ago papa was angry at me for something i did (or dint do)-he thinks im not assertive enough and that i waste my time doing nothing, which is 100% right. Anway, he said “you gotta get angry. stop letting life push you around and push back.” I know what he means but i dont wanna get angry, although I do get angry at my own stupidity sometimes. Life, however, mostly makes me sad and nervous.
Yesterday I say a video on youtube about depression which resonated with me. I don’t know if im depressed per se, but anxiety certainly is a downer. about 6 months ago when i started sophomore year, I started feeling worried about little things that didn’t use to bother me before. Death, the meaning of life, being alone, were all thing that I didn’t have to think about, and then quite suddenly i became obsessed with these things. anxiety took over, i could barely get out of bed in the morning. I question every day if life is worth living what’s the meaning of it all and how im gonna get through it. and it’s been that way ever since the end of summer 2017. I wish things would go back to normal. I guess i’ts like when you have a cold and you think of how easily and freely you used to breath before you had the cold, but now your nose is stuffed up and you struggle to breathe. It’s kinda like that I guess. I miss the days when I could breathe freely.
It’s also not the first time I’ve felt this way, twice when i was younger i’ve felt pervasive sadness for an extended period of time. both times my mood eventually got better and I was able to live my life normally. but who’s to say i will get better this time around. i feel so trapped in my circumstances. in this body, in this mind. Why do i exist? what purpose is there? i dont know what im gona do. I feel sad, but I dont know why.